Still Alive

Okay.  So I know I haven't updated in a very long time.  There were a couple of occasions where I felt like I could have said something but the past several months were marked with such unpredictability I couldn't say precisely where my life was headed.  Then I realized that I will never know for sure and that's exactly what my life is allowed to be at this moment.

When I say that a lot has happened in the last several months, it's an understatement.  I left a job I was extremely secure at and found a new job in downtown Philly.  I moved out on my own to an apartment not far from my work and began a new chapter in my life.  A new volume, perhaps.

It was a more difficult adjustment than I imagined to live completely on my own. I am lucky enough to be financially secure, but I wasn't prepared emotionally for what that type of drastic change would bring.  I felt like a million things happened at once and it was overwhelming, but I got through it. I am still getting through it.  I am working full-time, living on my own, paying my own bills, going to school full time, and still dealing with chronic illness. The truth is, no matter how healthy I am, I will always deal with Crohn's.  That will never change.

I should mention the small problems I've had with my ostomy.  I've been having a lotttttt of issues with my stoma and saw a surgeon at the University of Penn last month.  He recommended I make some changes, which I did, with little positive result.  I've basically been complaining about my stoma since I first had surgery in 2009 and none of my doctors have ever listened to me.  I was actually shocked that the surgeon at Penn looked at it and agreed, basically telling me, "They set you up for failure with this".  I could go into detail about what a stoma should look like and how it functions, but it's not important.  Many surgeons are reluctant to make such a minor operation to correct the mistake of another doctor, so it was impressive that he listened and sympathized with me. In his words, I have to live with this the rest of my life so I might as well have a stoma that functions exactly the way it should.  The next step will be to schedule a minor outpatient surgery in December or January when I am on break from school.  It's not a big deal at all and it won't require a huge recovery time like past surgeries.  

Otherwise, the last time I posted I talked about how I came off my anti-depressant, but recently I went back on another form.  It was hard to admit to myself that I still needed medicine, but I've been better since I started back on it and while I know it is not a permanent situation, it's what I need for right now.  I'm okay with that.  I went through so much to get my body healthy, it would be shameful to let my pride stand in the way of keeping my mind just as secure.  I know a lot of it has to do with the ostomy issues and feeling like I lost control again in the same way I was when I was really sick.  So I'm looking forward to getting all of this straightened out.

I think I also realized how active I need to keep my mind.  I took the summer off from school and felt like I made a lot of bad decisions in that time because I had too much idleness that I couldn't bear.  I need the structure of school, the discipline, the mental stimulation, and the tremendous challenges each of my courses brings.  While it's stressful, it's also what makes me tick.  I love learning.  I love being challenged.  And I love that every time I leave class I feel like I am a better person because of the knowledge I've gained.  Through school I've also become more confident in myself.  Throughout every job I've ever had, other people always believed in me more than I believed in myself.  Now that I am in a truly competitive academic environment, I understand how much this is true.  I am learning to accept the praise that accompanies my hard work.

Perhaps the most difficult lesson of the past year has been understanding that healthiness doesn't equate to happiness.  I always thought once that part of my life was restored then everything else would fall into place.  But life is a lot more work than that. And I'm willing to work my ass off for my piece of happiness.

Till next time...

My Latest Milestone

It's been about a month since I have been completely off medication.  This is the first time I can say that since 2001.  Naturally this is a huge milestone for me, albeit a frightening one.

I haven't been on Crohn's meds in a while but over winter break from school I knew it was time to wean off my anti-depressant.  I know that I do not suffer from chronic depression and mine was merely situational, but it was still a scary thought to finally rid myself of that last medicine, because I know how much it helped me.

I admit that coming off this anti-depressant was hard but I am not sure it could ever be easy.  I lingered on my lowest dosage for weeks and when I finally went to the doctor he told me I should just stop taking it.  It was a weird thought for me to go to bed that night without taking medicine.  Maybe I invest way too much thought into these simple routines but it was hard to let go of that last crutch.  Even though the amount I was taking for the past few weeks was likely having little effect, it was a big moment for me.

I began taking an anti-depressant almost two years ago after I started seeing a psychologist.  Even when I started taking it I wasn't sure I actually needed it, although friends and family members assured me it made a difference.  I am still not quite sure of the extent of its impact.  When I started taking it my circumstances were far from anything resembling "normal" so it is difficult to assess the exact affect it had.  What I do know is that it leveled my moods.  I stopped randomly crying in my car.  I no longer went from high to low in a matter of minutes.  This part of my emotional well-being I can say it improved definitively.

But, I also know that I needed someone to talk to as well.  I know that it was a combination of therapy, medicine, and my resiliency that healed me.  No one of these things can be isolated as the sole reason I am sitting here today managing a full-time job, pursuing an education, and maintaining a social life.

Sometimes in the past year I felt like my anti-depressant use kept me from crying.  I felt like I was supposed to cry more than I did.  Maybe I had gotten so used to crying that I expected it was a normal part of life and something I would do when I experienced great sadness.  When something really bad happened I often thought, "I should be crying.  I want to cry."  But then I had a conversation with a friend recently who reminded me that I was never someone to wear my emotions on my sleeve in the past.  And since being off medicine in the past month I've realized this is true.  The only reason I cried so much before was because of my illness and it is completely okay that I can greet stress and hurt now without tears.

And yet, while I am aware of these things, I cannot help but be afraid of the possibility that I am not as happy as I think I am.  I tend to over analyze every moment of anger and attribute it to the fact that maybe I do need to be back on medicine.  This is just a fear that I need to debunk in time and I have a feeling once I get through this next semester of school I will be completely comfortable being med-free.

Otherwise, life is great.  Stressful, busy, and crazy at times.  But I wouldn't trade a minute of it.

2012 thus far

The New Year has come and gone.

I celebrated important milestones in the month of January, notably my one year surgery anniversary and the ten year anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with Crohns.  This staggering momento did not make me sad like it sometimes did in the past, but it just reminded me that I am healthy, I am alive, and I will be okay.

I will not say it was all smiles and happiness as 2012 came.  I was fortunate to be gifted with visits to some of my closest friends when they were on the east coast for the holidays and I had the freedom of expendable time to reconnect.  However, there is always something bittersweet about being surrounded by people that you love.  It’s like being in college when you were a little homesick and you looked forward to seeing your family but it was almost worse when you went back to school because the memory of the comforts of home were fresh and easily recalled.   That’s exactly how I felt towards the latter part of January when the reality of returning to school approached and I realized I would spend the next few months completely immersed in classes, all without the luxury of having close friends nearby.

In addition to all of this, one of my childhood friends lost his sister suddenly and it really started turning the wheels in my head.  I thought about a friend I lost four years ago who was the same age I am now.  These tragedies can’t help but make me think about time, purpose, and action.  We have so little time to determine how exactly we are going to occupy our lives and it is all dependent on being fearless.  I suppose we all draw on the relative tragedies in our lives as motivation to make the best of everything.  I guess that’s what the last year of my life has shown.

I don’t know what this year will bring but I know I will live it being as bold as reason will allow.  There are things I have thought about doing in the past that I thought were too big for me to attempt, however, I now truly believe that regret is worse than failure.  When you know someone who loses their life at a young age, you cannot believe anything else.

My hope is to continue to surround myself with positive, happy people.  I hope by this time next year I have an event-filled year to reflect on just as I did this year.  While I hope for these things I know I will have successes to take pride in simply because I have the attitude necessary to make positive change happen.  If I’m lucky, I might even inspire someone else.

Cheers.

A Year

Anyone who knows me or has read what I have written on here the past year knows that 2011 was the happiest year of my life.

I discovered something important about myself this year that I wasn't confident enough to believe before.  I discovered that my happiness can inspire other people; that I have an incredible control over my life simply by choosing to embrace every day like the great, precious gift that it is.  It humbled me to see family and friends over the holidays who expressed how much they admired my strength and I am not sure I will ever get tired of the feeling I get when I hear such words.  And I certainly don't think they realize how much I draw on their sentiments when I'm not feeling so strong.  This year I also learned that the stakes are much higher in a life of happiness and healthiness.  I have the ability to invest myself completely in everything I do from relationships to school.  The consequence of climbing high is that the fall hurts a lot more.  But, it is a hurt I embrace.

This year I started a new job I absolutely love.  I met some amazing people and dated some not so amazing guys.  I had a major life changing surgery.  I listened to good music and went to concerts.  I watched my best friend get married.  I traveled and went on vacations.  I watched my nephew take his first step.  I started graduate school.  Most importantly, I was healthy.

I think the biggest revelation of this year was that I have people in my life who fill me with so much love and happiness it makes me want to be a better person simply because I feel like I owe them that in return. These relationships are the reason I am strong.

It feels good to reflect on a year and definitively say that I became a better, happier version of myself.  I don't know that every year from now on will be as action-filled because I am not sure that is even possible.  But, I do know that I have control over my happiness now and regardless of the bad experiences that may come, not only will I be able to overcome them but I will become better in the process.

Here's to another year of the same health and happiness.

I won't settle, and neither should you

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am continuing to learn and grow with each day, week, and month that passes.  It might seem redundant at this point that I find something new to analyze because of my changing perspective.  In the past several months I learned a valuable lesson; I don't have to settle.  I mean this in every aspect of my life.  From this point forward, I am making a conscious effort not to settle.  I have been through too much shit to be content with mediocrity.

I think part of me assumed the first boy I met who I really liked, who could look me in the eye and tell me I was beautiful, that my ostomy didn't matter--somehow I thought that would be all I needed.  I thought if this one part of me was accepted then automatically that person must, by default, possess all of the other qualities I could ever possibly want in someone else.  Needless to say, I was off.

I'm not saying that in this particular instance I completely settled but I definitely overlooked major red flags because I felt like someone "got it" to an extent I wouldn't find elsewhere.  After years of having my health as a huge strain on every relationship in my life, I am not entirely disappointed in myself for this oversight.  I get it.  I understand why I was so content.

As hard as it is, I try to think of my own baggage on the same level as anyone else's hang-ups.  We all have issues that make being in a relationship challenging and scary.  But when it comes down to it, I am unusual.  I have no template to follow or friends to consult with who are in the same situation.  I just have to go with the flow and it's never the same each time around.  I think that part is the hardest.  The fact that it is never the same from person to person and it requires me to be on edge at the beginning of any relationship because I am trying to feel the other person out.

Sometimes the conversation comes easy and other times it's hard.  I have learned that easy doesn't always mean that the relationship is meant to be.  And sometimes it's simply harder because the stakes are higher.

Hard or easy, I am going to keep putting myself out there.  I don't have to settle just because I feel like I will never find someone.  If the past year is any indicator, I know that people are genuinely accepting, open-minded, and willing to learn.  In short, I am putting an end to settling.  So should you.

I Might Be Getting Old...

I am always intrigued to see the various search terms people use to find my blog.  It makes me feel good to know that my intent is coming through as randoms search the web and stumble upon my writing.  Sometimes the phrases people search are sad because I can imagine exactly what the person on the other end is feeling.  I have been there.  I have combed the web in times of desperation to research a drug or to find someone else who, at some point, felt what I was feeling and chose to put it out there for others to read.

That's just something random I was thinking about today.

Otherwise, life has been good (surprise!).  I had a few days last week where I physically felt run down to the point where I laid in bed for a few days and felt worry that I might be depressed or getting sick (in a non-Crohn's context) but this week I have felt back to normal with the exception of realizing that I am getting old.

Now, I don't mean "old" in the sense that I feel the crunch of my age creeping to my late twenties.  But I just can't hang like I used to.  What happened to the days of staying out way too late and drinking wine without hangovers?  I want those days back!  I might sound like an idiot for complaining about this but I now have to plan my social life around work and school, keeping in mind that I no longer have the ability to be productive unless I get a good night of (sober) sleep.

I guess it all just reinforces how lucky and happy and blessed I feel right now.  Youth is incredibly fleeting and it is to be spent living in a manner in which one day you can feel you have little regret about the past.  I can't imagine if I had spent any more time living the way I was just because I was scared about what my life would entail post-surgery.  I don't know why I have been wired this way--to be able to adapt and remain resilient--but I feel fortunate that I am and that thought is never far from my mind.

Otherwise, as you know from what I have been writing, the past couple of months have supplied me with endless experiences of reflection and learning.  I am adapting well to the changes in my life; my body, school, work, boys---all while knowing that each pang of stress and worry is only moving me closer to my goals.  I can't say it enough but I just feel damn good right now.  Hope you all do, too.

Letting Go and Moving On

A very frightening thing happened this past week. I had my last visit to my psychologist.

It has been almost two years since I started seeing a therapist. At first it was on a weekly basis, then bi-weekly, then monthly. I have often talked about the mental aspect of keeping myself healthy and recovering. I am certain that without this health crisis, I wouldn't need to see a psychologist. I am also certain that one way or another, I would have gotten myself to the place I am at now. However, I think it might have taken a lot longer and it definitely would have been more tumultuous getting there.

I have always been a mentally healthy person but I don't think one person is capable of maintaining a healthy mind under the particular stress I endured. At some point after I had my first ostomy surgery I was very much in limbo between living a life of a healthy looking person but still dealing with incredibly dibilitating symptoms. As I tried to resume parts of my normal life, it was evident that something needed to change but I wasn't capable of doing it on my own. A friend of my family was very aware of the physical and emotional pain I was in and recommended I talk to someone, and so I did.

The biggest reward I gained from therapy was that I had someone to hold me accountable for the things I wanted to do but was too scared to act on. Throughout my struggles with my doctors here in Philly, I always talked about how I wanted to go back to Maryland but I never did. The more I talked about it, the more I understood that the decision to return to a doctor I trusted was the only way I would be able to come to a satisfying conclusion about what decision to make. Therapy provided me with someone whom followed up with every single thought that came out of my mouth. I am not so certain I would have started working again or returned to school as soon as I did without this.

Before this last appointment it had been over two months since I saw my psychologist but she wanted to follow up with me one last time and officially "close" my case. It was emotional to return to her and know it would be the last time I would share such intimate details of my life presently. But, it was also an appointment less focused on the steps I needed to take to regain my life. Instead I told her about how great it felt to tell my boss about my past with Crohn's, the contentment and challenges I feel as a college student again, and the happiness of being able to share the past few months of my life with amazing people who have accepted me completely.

I know I will be okay without that safety net in my life. But, I am also grateful that I was open-minded enough to understand that sometimes I have to ask for help. I am certainly glad I did.