2012 thus far

The New Year has come and gone.

I celebrated important milestones in the month of January, notably my one year surgery anniversary and the ten year anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with Crohns.  This staggering momento did not make me sad like it sometimes did in the past, but it just reminded me that I am healthy, I am alive, and I will be okay.

I will not say it was all smiles and happiness as 2012 came.  I was fortunate to be gifted with visits to some of my closest friends when they were on the east coast for the holidays and I had the freedom of expendable time to reconnect.  However, there is always something bittersweet about being surrounded by people that you love.  It’s like being in college when you were a little homesick and you looked forward to seeing your family but it was almost worse when you went back to school because the memory of the comforts of home were fresh and easily recalled.   That’s exactly how I felt towards the latter part of January when the reality of returning to school approached and I realized I would spend the next few months completely immersed in classes, all without the luxury of having close friends nearby.

In addition to all of this, one of my childhood friends lost his sister suddenly and it really started turning the wheels in my head.  I thought about a friend I lost four years ago who was the same age I am now.  These tragedies can’t help but make me think about time, purpose, and action.  We have so little time to determine how exactly we are going to occupy our lives and it is all dependent on being fearless.  I suppose we all draw on the relative tragedies in our lives as motivation to make the best of everything.  I guess that’s what the last year of my life has shown.

I don’t know what this year will bring but I know I will live it being as bold as reason will allow.  There are things I have thought about doing in the past that I thought were too big for me to attempt, however, I now truly believe that regret is worse than failure.  When you know someone who loses their life at a young age, you cannot believe anything else.

My hope is to continue to surround myself with positive, happy people.  I hope by this time next year I have an event-filled year to reflect on just as I did this year.  While I hope for these things I know I will have successes to take pride in simply because I have the attitude necessary to make positive change happen.  If I’m lucky, I might even inspire someone else.

Cheers.

A Year

Anyone who knows me or has read what I have written on here the past year knows that 2011 was the happiest year of my life.

I discovered something important about myself this year that I wasn't confident enough to believe before.  I discovered that my happiness can inspire other people; that I have an incredible control over my life simply by choosing to embrace every day like the great, precious gift that it is.  It humbled me to see family and friends over the holidays who expressed how much they admired my strength and I am not sure I will ever get tired of the feeling I get when I hear such words.  And I certainly don't think they realize how much I draw on their sentiments when I'm not feeling so strong.  This year I also learned that the stakes are much higher in a life of happiness and healthiness.  I have the ability to invest myself completely in everything I do from relationships to school.  The consequence of climbing high is that the fall hurts a lot more.  But, it is a hurt I embrace.

This year I started a new job I absolutely love.  I met some amazing people and dated some not so amazing guys.  I had a major life changing surgery.  I listened to good music and went to concerts.  I watched my best friend get married.  I traveled and went on vacations.  I watched my nephew take his first step.  I started graduate school.  Most importantly, I was healthy.

I think the biggest revelation of this year was that I have people in my life who fill me with so much love and happiness it makes me want to be a better person simply because I feel like I owe them that in return. These relationships are the reason I am strong.

It feels good to reflect on a year and definitively say that I became a better, happier version of myself.  I don't know that every year from now on will be as action-filled because I am not sure that is even possible.  But, I do know that I have control over my happiness now and regardless of the bad experiences that may come, not only will I be able to overcome them but I will become better in the process.

Here's to another year of the same health and happiness.

I won't settle, and neither should you

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I am continuing to learn and grow with each day, week, and month that passes.  It might seem redundant at this point that I find something new to analyze because of my changing perspective.  In the past several months I learned a valuable lesson; I don't have to settle.  I mean this in every aspect of my life.  From this point forward, I am making a conscious effort not to settle.  I have been through too much shit to be content with mediocrity.

I think part of me assumed the first boy I met who I really liked, who could look me in the eye and tell me I was beautiful, that my ostomy didn't matter--somehow I thought that would be all I needed.  I thought if this one part of me was accepted then automatically that person must, by default, possess all of the other qualities I could ever possibly want in someone else.  Needless to say, I was off.

I'm not saying that in this particular instance I completely settled but I definitely overlooked major red flags because I felt like someone "got it" to an extent I wouldn't find elsewhere.  After years of having my health as a huge strain on every relationship in my life, I am not entirely disappointed in myself for this oversight.  I get it.  I understand why I was so content.

As hard as it is, I try to think of my own baggage on the same level as anyone else's hang-ups.  We all have issues that make being in a relationship challenging and scary.  But when it comes down to it, I am unusual.  I have no template to follow or friends to consult with who are in the same situation.  I just have to go with the flow and it's never the same each time around.  I think that part is the hardest.  The fact that it is never the same from person to person and it requires me to be on edge at the beginning of any relationship because I am trying to feel the other person out.

Sometimes the conversation comes easy and other times it's hard.  I have learned that easy doesn't always mean that the relationship is meant to be.  And sometimes it's simply harder because the stakes are higher.

Hard or easy, I am going to keep putting myself out there.  I don't have to settle just because I feel like I will never find someone.  If the past year is any indicator, I know that people are genuinely accepting, open-minded, and willing to learn.  In short, I am putting an end to settling.  So should you.

I Might Be Getting Old...

I am always intrigued to see the various search terms people use to find my blog.  It makes me feel good to know that my intent is coming through as randoms search the web and stumble upon my writing.  Sometimes the phrases people search are sad because I can imagine exactly what the person on the other end is feeling.  I have been there.  I have combed the web in times of desperation to research a drug or to find someone else who, at some point, felt what I was feeling and chose to put it out there for others to read.

That's just something random I was thinking about today.

Otherwise, life has been good (surprise!).  I had a few days last week where I physically felt run down to the point where I laid in bed for a few days and felt worry that I might be depressed or getting sick (in a non-Crohn's context) but this week I have felt back to normal with the exception of realizing that I am getting old.

Now, I don't mean "old" in the sense that I feel the crunch of my age creeping to my late twenties.  But I just can't hang like I used to.  What happened to the days of staying out way too late and drinking wine without hangovers?  I want those days back!  I might sound like an idiot for complaining about this but I now have to plan my social life around work and school, keeping in mind that I no longer have the ability to be productive unless I get a good night of (sober) sleep.

I guess it all just reinforces how lucky and happy and blessed I feel right now.  Youth is incredibly fleeting and it is to be spent living in a manner in which one day you can feel you have little regret about the past.  I can't imagine if I had spent any more time living the way I was just because I was scared about what my life would entail post-surgery.  I don't know why I have been wired this way--to be able to adapt and remain resilient--but I feel fortunate that I am and that thought is never far from my mind.

Otherwise, as you know from what I have been writing, the past couple of months have supplied me with endless experiences of reflection and learning.  I am adapting well to the changes in my life; my body, school, work, boys---all while knowing that each pang of stress and worry is only moving me closer to my goals.  I can't say it enough but I just feel damn good right now.  Hope you all do, too.

Letting Go and Moving On

A very frightening thing happened this past week. I had my last visit to my psychologist.

It has been almost two years since I started seeing a therapist. At first it was on a weekly basis, then bi-weekly, then monthly. I have often talked about the mental aspect of keeping myself healthy and recovering. I am certain that without this health crisis, I wouldn't need to see a psychologist. I am also certain that one way or another, I would have gotten myself to the place I am at now. However, I think it might have taken a lot longer and it definitely would have been more tumultuous getting there.

I have always been a mentally healthy person but I don't think one person is capable of maintaining a healthy mind under the particular stress I endured. At some point after I had my first ostomy surgery I was very much in limbo between living a life of a healthy looking person but still dealing with incredibly dibilitating symptoms. As I tried to resume parts of my normal life, it was evident that something needed to change but I wasn't capable of doing it on my own. A friend of my family was very aware of the physical and emotional pain I was in and recommended I talk to someone, and so I did.

The biggest reward I gained from therapy was that I had someone to hold me accountable for the things I wanted to do but was too scared to act on. Throughout my struggles with my doctors here in Philly, I always talked about how I wanted to go back to Maryland but I never did. The more I talked about it, the more I understood that the decision to return to a doctor I trusted was the only way I would be able to come to a satisfying conclusion about what decision to make. Therapy provided me with someone whom followed up with every single thought that came out of my mouth. I am not so certain I would have started working again or returned to school as soon as I did without this.

Before this last appointment it had been over two months since I saw my psychologist but she wanted to follow up with me one last time and officially "close" my case. It was emotional to return to her and know it would be the last time I would share such intimate details of my life presently. But, it was also an appointment less focused on the steps I needed to take to regain my life. Instead I told her about how great it felt to tell my boss about my past with Crohn's, the contentment and challenges I feel as a college student again, and the happiness of being able to share the past few months of my life with amazing people who have accepted me completely.

I know I will be okay without that safety net in my life. But, I am also grateful that I was open-minded enough to understand that sometimes I have to ask for help. I am certainly glad I did.

The end of summer...The beginning of everything else...

I think milestones and holidays have been markers for me understanding the passage of time. As I have talked about too much on here, I have a warped sense of time in that I feel like I need to pack so much action into small spaces just because I've never been used to having time. Also, no matter how hard I try, I will always feel like I am struggling to catch up to the rest of the world. However, I think this past year helped me to quell many of my fears because it was the first time in my adult life I knew I was going to be fine so I was free to dream as big as I wanted.

The end of this summer is just another reminder that time will always pass too quickly regardless of me feeling like I'm living every second of it or that I am wasting it away. I got to do a lot of fun things this summer and although I feel like it flew by, I have so many memories that I know I can look back on with a happy heart because they were done without thought as to wondering if I would be healthy enough to carry them out. I got to go to weddings, visit friends in Maryland, make new friends, host my friends here in Philly, and start a new job that has added to my livelihood. I hope every summer from now on can be filled with so much activity.

With the craziness of the hurricane, I have been given an extra week to enjoy myself before grad school starts. Just walking around on campus today and beginning my readings, I am incredibly excited and I feel for the first time in a long time that things are falling into place as a direct result of my decisions. As I delve into reading for school I am realizing even more how much my illness directed me towards my field of study. I still have fears and worries but I know I am ready to face them head on.

In my social life and work life I can see how differently I judge others. I have become extremely opinionated, but open-minded. The fact that I confided in my co-worker about my health so quickly initially boggled my mind but then I realized it made perfect sense with the person I have become. I am ready for it all; to open up, to be challenged, to hurt, to learn. I will never stop learning from Crohn's because it will always be a part of me. It is a huge story of many chapters of my life but as the pages keep turning and I write new memories, it will no longer control the outcome of the decisions I make.

I can't help but think back to what my dad used to tell me all the time when I was sick. He would say, "This will not define your life," and at the time I couldn't imagine a day where it didn't. I understand what he was saying but I have also come to understand that it has very much defined my life exactly opposite of the way he feared it would negatively consume me. What a great feeling to come full-circle and say that aloud. To say that something you never wanted to define you has actually come to add a sense of self-awareness that would never have been possible otherwise; To say that yes, I am okay with Crohn's playing a role in how my life is played out. It is truly a full, exciting feeling and I am happy I have all of you to share it with.

Work, School, Life, and My Ostomy (DUH)

Since starting my new job, life has been hectic to say the least. I have been working an insane amount of hours with little sleep and a lot of socializing in between. I guess I didn't realize how the end of the summer was creeping up and there were so many things I wanted to do before it came to an end. The past two weeks I have been pushing myself hard, but in amazing ways. I know it sounds ridiculous but it feels great to ignore every instinct to refrain from excess in all of my vices yet still somehow remain able to function. For instance, I worked from 7 am until 10 pm tonight after sleeping only two hours last night and the little fatigue I felt all day was nothing in comparison to the physical and mental exhaustion of the most mundane activities performed under the restraints of Crohn's. I know it's silly to think, "Wow I can abuse my body and it doesn't shut down", but the memories and experiences I am having are worth more than anyone can imagine. I am just glad I can finally work hard and play hard. That was never an option for me before.

I've also met some amazing people, although I think I downplay it a lot because I don't want everyone around me to see how invested I am in a relationship. There's always that fear of rejection and I don't think any amount of confidence can change that. Sometimes I wish my ostomy was the first thing someone learned about me just so it could be out in the open and then other times I truly believe that once someone gets to know me there is nothing else they could learn that would change their opinion. I think too often I let myself get to the point where I feel like I've gone too long without talking about it and that somehow that person is going to be upset with me for not discussing it sooner. I need to learn to push past these feelings of self-doubt rather than retreat.

Strangely enough, it was telling one of my co-workers about my ostomy that felt really great to me. I barely know this girl but I know enough to understand she is intelligent and mature, which is why I felt so comfortable talking about it. Long story short the conversation came up because she knew someone with Crohn's who was very ill and thinking about having ostomy surgery. There was no way, at that point, for me to keep my mouth closed and once I talked about it I felt relieved and empowered. I can't really explain why telling a girl I've known for 3 weeks made me feel this way but I am glad I did. I think most of all I enjoy that people are educated a bit on what exactly an ostomy entails and that they change their perception of what I am supposed to look like because I have one. I can't tell you how many times I hear, "I don't understand. You don't even see it. Where is it!?"

Sometimes I am dumbfounded at how much action I can pack into one month and how much my life changes in that short amount of time. In just a week I will be starting graduate school and I have a feeling much more will be evolving soon. I am twenty-seven and I am happy and healthy and I have accomplished so much in the past year that I can not wait to see what is still ahead for me. Somehow even though I am incredibly content, I know there is still something better to come. Stay tuned, friends.