Stevie gets rejected, Part I

I wasn't going to write about this but I realized I'd already gone so far as to share some details about my personal dating experiences so I figured I should follow up on it. Unfortunately this entry might backtrack a bit on the optimism of my previous post, as my wound is still fairly fresh. Yes, last Saturday I decided to have "the talk" with a guy I had been dating for about two months. Seeing as how he turned out to be a complete asshole, I don't mind talking about it openly.

One of the negative aspects of having an ostomy is that I sometimes feel the need to date down. I'm sure even without it I would probably do this as a result of the normal insecurities of being a woman. But, I think I put my blinders on and date guys that have some major deficiency in their persona because I feel like this will make up for the fact that I have an ostomy. Like somehow they will overlook it because they know I'm otherwise too good for them.

But then I met said boy I mentioned in the first paragraph. All was going well for a while. I honestly didn't expect him to actually call me when I gave him my number because he was attractive, had ambition, and had a good personality. Usually I don't get all three. To my surprise we went out the first time and things went smoothly. He opened doors, paid for everything, and did a lot of talking about all the things he thought we would have fun doing together. So we went out again a week later and then started doing more lame things together more frequently; cooking, walking outside, etc etc.

Now last year I had gotten to this point with someone and then dropped the bomb on him that I needed to talk to him about something important. I more-so dropped the bomb via phone because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't chicken out and I would actually tell him. It wasn't exactly my idea way of doing it but I think it was okay because of what I was going through and how hard i knew it would be to initiate that conversation on my own. This particular boy decided that whatever "important" thing I had to talk to him about was too serious and I basically never spoke to him again even though he assured me we could talk about it soon. Blah. Whatever. Even though that was a fucked up thing to do, I am glad that in some way he recognized that whatever it is I had to say was too serious for what he expected out of our relationship.

Okay, so back to current boy (I am calling them all boys because they are certainly not men). So I made plans to meet up with him and drop the ostomy bomb. I was quite nervous all week but after realizing I was prepared to speak about it in the most positive, confident way, I knew there was no reason to worry. I just had to be honest. And I was. I was actually quite proud of myself, although it did feel quite like an out of body experience because I was way too composed for my normal nature. But after talking about it, he changed completely. At first I thought he was just shocked and didn't know what to say so I overlooked it. He was certainly sympathetic but something wasn't right. I was glad we had no plans to hang out for the rest of the night because honestly I just wanted him to be able to think about it and process everything without me there. I pretty much left the ball in his court and told him that regardless of how he felt, I just wanted him to feel comfortable telling me what he really thought, even if that meant he didn't want to date me anymore. When we left, he said he would call me the next day.

And that was the last I spoke to him. No phone call, no douche bag text message rejecting me. NOTHING. When I thought about it after I left him, the thought didn't cross my mind that I would never hear from him again. I knew there was a possibility he would have trouble grasping what I had said, but I still figured that our time together had been worth the decency and respect of a fucking phone call. I think that's the least someone deserves when they pour their heart out to you and share a huge piece of their life. He knew about my past with Crohn's and he overlooked that. Yet somehow he couldn't overlook the ostomy, nor feel like he needed to give some recognition of the emotions involved in opening up to him. What. An. Asshole.

I was certainly upset about it this week. I knew he wasn't someone I connected with on some ridiculous level and I wasn't ruined by the whole experience. But it certainly left me sad and wondering if my friends are all just lying to me when they tell me my ostomy "isn't a big deal". I mean I think about the fact that this boy couldn't even make any contact with me at all and I can't help but think it actually is a big deal, if just that knowledge alone was enough to make him never want to speak to me again. It has also forced me to question that I may have to settle for something less than I normally would deserve. Maybe I will never be able to have it all, because I have an ostomy. It's a sad thought to consider.

I think one more week of hearing the "fuck him if it's a big deal to him" encouragements from my friends and I'll be back on track. It just sucks to feel vulnerable. That's how I feel right now and I don't like it one bit.

Oh well, here's to the Phillies playing a good Sunday night game and the Flyers pulling their shit together and winning tomorrow night. Those are the only men I should focus on for a while. Happy May!

The State of Remicade

Today was another trip to Maryland for my infusion. It seems like the four weeks just flies by and before I know it, it's time to go back down again. This time I scheduled the appointment around noon because I really don't enjoy waking up so early to get down there. We left around 9 am and got there a little before 12. No matter how early I leave it never seems like its early enough because I'm always just barely making it there. I guess because I'm always going at different times I haven't quite gotten a sense of the perfect times to leave. And then coming back is always a question mark. Today we left Baltimore around 4 and barely ran into any traffic. We were home in Philly by 6. Strange.

Anyways, I haven't been feeling very well since all those obstruction episodes a couple weeks back. I haven't been able to do much, honestly. I feel like I get short of breath from walking up a flight of stairs and lightheaded with the slightest movement of my head too fast in any direction. That on top of my normal Crohn's symptoms has been a rough combination. But I am trying not to push myself too much because I have to take the GRE's on November 15 and I need to keep myself in good shape.

I briefly discussed some of my concerns with my doc via e-mail. Between my symptoms and the news I got after my MRI, it's pretty safe to say this colonoscopy is no longer being done to see if my colon is healthy enough to be reconnected. At this point my doctor wants it done to compare it to the one I had before I started Remicade again. Basically, if he does not see much improvement then we need to consider another therapy option.

Now you might be wondering, like a lot of people, why I would abandon Remicade if it made me feel better? And while it did improve my life drastically, I don't think it's enough anymore. My symptoms are still way too inconsistent for me to feel comfortable living a normal life. I think I was so happy about how I was feeling because it was some improvement, and nothing else therapy-wise had done anything to make me feel better. Also, I am now about two weeks steroid-free. And I definitely think there was something about the combination of a small dose of steroid and Remicade that clicked well. But I can't be on steroids forever, and certainly Remicade and 6-MP (Chemo drug which has been shown to extend the effectiveness of Remicade) should be able to make me feel better.

Now back to the scope and MRI. The scope next Thursday will give my surgeon a better idea about the extent of my fistulas. I read the report myself today and I have three of them, two of which are producing small pockets of infection. From my understanding it all depends on the location and size of the fistulas to see if they can be removed. Either way I am pretty sure I am going to need surgery to place the setons in, which I talked about last post.

Everything going on right now is very overwhelming. I feel like I came to a lot of conclusions about my life and I want to be able to carry out all these plans I've been thinking about the past couple of months. I am excited at the idea of possibly being in school next year, but if I do get accepted, I need to be healthy. I don't want it to be like some of my college years where I sometimes could barely even walk from class to class. I want to enjoy every minute of it this time.

I keep telling myself that if the scope next week shows things are still really bad, then I am ready mentally to have surgery, because I have exhausted a lot of my therapy options. I know surgery is the only thing that will give me consistency again. Lately when I go out with my sister somewhere or go for a walk, I think to myself....if having an ileostomy was the only thing I had to worry about each time I went out, I would be 100 times happier, because the problems associated with an ostomy are A LOT more manageable and infrequent than Crohn's problems. But it's a lot easier said than done...

Guess I'll be thinking about this a lot more come next week when I know for sure what's going on.

Baseball and Babies

I was extremely spoiled last week. My family has had a couple of Phillies ticket packages dating back to the last couple of seasons at Veterans stadium. So through the years at Citizens Bank Park we've always had the opportunity to purchase playoff tickets before they go on sale to the general public. Now, my sister being the responsible, positive person she is has always believed the Phillies were bound to go to the playoffs each year. And trust me, we were all happy she believed in them come the 2007 season and particularly, 2008 when everyone wondered how we got suck great seats without paying an arm and a leg for them.

So throughout the 2007 and 2008 seasons I saw some remarkable games and even more remarkable playoff appearances. Unfortunately last year I was too sick to attend so you can imagine how excited I was this year. I probably attended over twenty games this season, which I will shamefully admit, isn't as fun as it sounds. I love baseball, but going to two games a week gets old, and expensive.

And then last week happened. My sister and her husband were supposed to take Wednesday's game, while my brother and I would attend Friday. But being that my nephew is only a month old, my sister decided to lend me her hubby for the night and let me go to the game. And we all know what happened. It was truly an amazing thing to witness and I am so glad I got to experience something so incredible. Here is a shot from our seats after everyone was going to rush Roy on the field and the fireworks were going off. Amazing.

As if that wasn't enough, I got to go with my brother on Friday and witness the Reds collapse from right field again. The misplayed ball by Jay Bruce occurred right in front of us. I kinda felt bad for him but the crowd reaction was pretty hilarious. And I gotta post this pic because of my shirt, taken at McFaddens before the game.

And this picture, just because my nephew is the cutest man in the world!