Colonoscopies are fun...no, really.

So I did it. I got the colonoscopy over with and hopefully they won't bother me for at least another year. They didn't tell me anything I didn't already know from my symptoms but it is still good to get in there and make sure nothing is blocked or severely malfunctioning.

The preparation was very easy and I didn't actually get specific directions so I just sucked on popsicles and hard candy the whole day before. I always end up cheating on my prep somehow and I didn't disappoint this time. I tried doing the enemas the morning of my scope but things down there are very...sensitive? I guess that's a good word for it. My body was just NOT having it. Still, everything worked out as far as my system being clear enough for them to get a good look at everything.

So my mom and I arrived at the hospital and they got things started the second I walked in. Now, this is the third scope I've had done at the U of MD and the one thing that REALLY sucks is they don't give you anesthesia. It's quite ridiculous. I think it has something to do with liability and money but it can be quite horrible to get a colonoscopy knowing you are going to be awake the whole time. But this time they REALLY loaded me up with Fentanyl and I was HIGH off my rocker. Previously I've had some discomfort when I've been awake for these things. Not this time.

They started out going through my stoma to look at my small bowel but my doctor couldn't find the downward loop of my ileostomy so unfortunately it was necessary for him to go through my bum to look at my colon. I wasn't even complaining as much as I have in the past about discomfort but the guy giving me my drugs (not sure if it is actually an anesthesiologist) was ON POINT. That's the only way I can describe it. It seemed like every time I looked at him he was saying, "Okay, I'm gonna give you some more." I'm convinced that these people get a lot of enjoyment knowing they are getting people high all day. I must say that I've had anesthesia many times for these things and I've always been able to pull myself together the second I woke up. However, even though I was conscious the whole time of what was going on, this drug had me doing/saying funny things.

Like afterwards when I needed to change my gown and I pretty much just ripped off the one I had on and got changed in front of everyone. Or insisting that everyone tell me their name and shake my hand. Or calling my sister and telling her that sentences were hard because I was on so much Valium (I wasn't). And then, despite being wacked out, I made my mom stop for cookies and soda in the hospital cafeteria. But I must say I did feel a lot less groggy and high once I got some food in my stomach.

The results of the scope weren't too surprising. Fistulas, stenosis, and a lot of active diversion colitis and Crohn's colitis. He thinks I will feel 50% better once I start feeding my colon short chain fatty acids. He also wants me on 60MG of Prednisone and to start Remicade again. I wish I would have asked him if he's ever had anyone go BACK to Remicade with success but I wasn't exactly in the frame of mind to ask good questions. So my plan is to take 40MG of steroids (I will be miserable, bloated, psychotic, fat, acne-faced, etc...if I go all the way up to 60) and start Remicade.

Otherwise I feel like shit. There's very little I can do that doesn't end in some sort of frustration/embarassment/discomfort/pain. I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop making plans because I really can't follow through with anything. If you ask me to do something with you in 10 minutes I might be okay to commit, but anything beyond that is risky. And when I can't follow through with things, my frustration just intensifies and I get angrier.

When I say Remicade is the last hope, I mean it. I almost don't even want to attempt this either because I don't know if I can handle another disappointment. I am going into it with zero expectations. The only reason I am even doing it is because I feel like I am more equipped to understand how I SHOULD feel on this drug to know it's "working". I know how sick I was the first time I got Remicade and it healed me then, so maybe it will heal me this time.

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