It hasn't all been smiles and laughs I will admit. I want to be honest with people but I find even with close friends I don't know how to quite explain what has happened. Not all of them read this blog but I have recently been telling some of them to do so just cause there's no easy way to talk about it. My own feelings about now having a "bag" change hour to hour. I just want to feel sorry for myself sometimes, and I've learned to let myself. After all the shit I've been through I think I need to allow some self pity from time to time. This is a major change in my lifestyle that I know eventually will become second nature, but for now I am scared about what will happen in the future when it's time to resume a normal life.
I get frustrated with the ileostomy every now and then but I have to remember how I was living before. My bowels are still healing from surgery so I have to empty it about 5 times a day. This might seem like a lot but it's better than running to the bathroom 20+ times a day. I haven't exactly been eating the most bland foods which would probably slow down my output. I'll admit I have been indulging in foods that often caused me misery before.
The first night at home in my bed after my hospital stay, I slept 12 hours. It was absolutely magical! You have no idea how great it felt to sleep like that. I think my brain woke me up once to make sure my bag wasn't full. It wasn't, and I immediately fell back asleep. Since then I've been getting good sleep when I can actually FALL asleep. That's always a problem for me. These past 8 months really messed with my body and sleep schedule so now it's all very unpredictable.
I'm still having some pain in my stomach but it is likely surgery pain rather than Crohn's pain. I am a little bit concerned because I feel nauseous a lot and actually threw up the other morning. I'm hoping it was just a result of me eating too much and not something involving the hernia or Crohn's. I can only eat extremely small amounts before I feel full and sometimes I'm eating too fast for my brain to let me know. I've been making a conscious effort to eat slower and not let my eyes be too big for my stomach. Do you know how much it sucks when you can only take 2 bites of a cheesesteak! It's a whole mind adjustment to tell yourself that in 10 minutes you are going to feel so damn sick if you keep eating. Unfortunately because of this I haven't been gaining any weight...but I'm not losing any, either. I'm about 102 pounds right now which is absolutely ridiculous for me. I'd like to get to at least 120 to feel good but obviously I want to gain good weight and rebuild some lost muscle.
This entry is really all over the place because I feel like I have so much I want to say about all of this. There is so much going on but I am certain I am headed in the right direction. I have been helped tremendously with this by many friends, old and new. A lot of you read my blog so I want to thank you all for the cards, flowers, phone calls, and prayers. I've gotten great support, too, from various Crohn's forums and blogs. It helps to hear stories of other people overcoming this illness and living normally with an ileostomy because I know I can, too. I've been overwhelmed with love and well wishes from all over.
Before I shut up for now, I just want to share something that my dad said to me when he came to see me the day after my surgery because it pretty much sums up the feeling of my family right now. He told me how he had gotten the best sleep the night before because he knew I was finally going to be okay after seeing me post-op. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept so soundly. After so many months of worry and stress, I understood exactly what he meant. Not only have I been sick, but my family has had to endure sleepless nights and a huge amount of stress. I'm very grateful we are all sleeping a little bit better this week.