Crohn's Sucks.

Miraculously my doctor did not want to hospitalize me on Tuesday.  I don't know how or why but I was so certain I was going to be admitted that I was actually looking forward to the jolt of energy I might get from fluids and blood.  

Basically the appointment revolved around discussing my surgery and being violated like usual anytime I step in a hospital.  It wasn't very pleasant sitting in that small room with two doctors asking me the routine 100 questions about the state of my disease.  I was in a lot of pain towards the end and I can't quite understand how they could look at me and send me home with no pain meds. Right now I'm on antibiotics and some other crap that doesn't do anything. If you can understand, it's quite frustrating.

On the way out the door, my doctor turned to me and said, "Well, it only took you 6 months but you finally made the right decision."  I wanted to punch him in the face.  Seriously buddy, it's not an easy decision to opt for a colostomy when you are a 20-something female.  It's kind of a big deal.  He then proceeded to tell me about the woman before my appointment who has been living with hers for 10 years happily and if she can do it, so can I.  But that's not the issue. I know I can do it and I know it will make me healthier. It's the idea of not knowing how long I'll need it, not being able to rock those skin tight shirts you all know I love to wear, and not to mention the worry of being out somewhere and having a technical difficulty with the colostomy. Those aren't fun.

So the appointment with the actual surgeon isn't until July 29th and I want to cry.  My doctor gave me the impression they would be able to operate on me by next week.  I really don't know how I'm going to hold out for 2 weeks and then probably another week before the surgery. Living for 3 more weeks the way I have been living recently will be torture and I really don't know if I'll be able to make it.  I feel like I've gotten worse the past couple weeks.  I'm not on the Methotrexate anymore so who knows, maybe it was doing something, even if it was minimal.

For now, time to order some colostomy supplies and get myself ready for what's in store.  If I had my way I'd drink that nasty shit to clean out my system right now and have the surgery tomorrow.  I just want my life back.

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