The in-between

Lately with this in between phase I'm in, I can't help but imagine how much my life would improve post-surgery. I guess I'm thinking about it more and more every day in a healthy way. If I decided to have surgery I think I'd be okay with it because I've come to this conclusion on my own and not feeling as though I'm backed in a corner and it's my only way out. To imagine the rest of my life never having to worry about pain and medicine is actually encouraging. I think about how well I am coping right now at 50% and if I could truly be "Chrons-free" there is no limit to what I will be able to accomplish.

I'm torn because of doubt, though. Some people tell me I should at least attempt treatment with Cimzia because it would suck to have doubts later on if I didn't try everything. But I think doubt is natural and inevitable when doing something so drastic at 25 like removing my colon and rectum. I am sure ten years from now when some revolutionary treatment comes out, I will wonder if it would have worked for me and saved my insides. The question is, would I rather have doubt about what could have been treatment-wise, or what my life could have been if I had opted for surgery sooner. And right now I am honestly considering that the prospect of losing out on my twenties is a much heavier burden I might carry one day.

Just some random thoughts as I get closer to next week when I'll get a second opinion in Maryland.


JoAnna said...

I think it is great that you are getting a second opinion. I also think whatever you decide will be the right thing for you. Not that you asked my opinion but I think you are very intelligent and have access to lots of info. I wish I had been this way in my 20's . I guess what you have gone through has made you mature beyond your years. I am thinking of you even if I don't comment much. Guess I made up for that now.

nolaterps said...

I love you Ellen Sweeney.

Ellen said...

Thanks for your concern as always, JoAnna. Hope you are doing well.

I love you too Claire Nichols

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