11.20.2009

Road Rage

As much as I hate to admit it, steroids work for me. My current dosage seems to be working well in that I am not experiencing horrible side effects but my disease seems to be under control. Sure I've got the occasional emotional outburst (who's to say that's the roids talking) and a ridiculous increase in appetite, but I'll take it. Nothing is perfect but I feel alive again. I am out of bed every day and my energy is great.

I think this past week my family and friends really saw how much better I'm feeling. I've been baking and cooking almost every day and it has been therapy for me. I am glad I can make dinner for my family every night and it makes me happy to be able to contribute something after being idle for so long. I have been taking this week to prepare my Thanksgiving menu and my family couldn't be happier.

Today I went to the mall and it was amazing. I was by myself (which is how I prefer to shop) and I had not one worry about being struck with pain or needing to find a bathroom. I took my mom's laptop to be fixed at the Apple store and strolled around mostly window shopping. I did try on a couple of things at Macy's. I really wanted to buy this one dress but after not working for a year I am really in no position to be spending money (hint, hint, Liam, Mom, Dad, Ryan, Nora, or whoever else wants to buy Ellen something nice :). Afterwards I thought that realistically, where am I gonna wear this dress? But then I realized, I should be wearing a dress every damn day if I feel like it just for the fact that I CAN because I'm not as sick as I was.

I think it was this past Tuesday or Wednesday though that I had one of the best days I can remember. I got a good sleep Crohn's-wise the night before and woke up early. I spent the day with my dad like good old times. I can't describe to you in words how wonderful it felt to spend an hour browsing through Barnes and Noble with a latte in hand and not a worry about needing to give my dad "the look" that means we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW! Instead, we did our normal Ellen and Dad ritual. And being as how I hadn't hit my dad up for my standard book-a-week in 8 months, he was happy to buy me several this time.

Just the simplest things right now like being able to meet up with friends, going to the mall, and driving my car; they seem so trivial in the grand scheme of life but they are everything to someone who just months ago spent weeks not even taking a step outside her house. I am not happy that steroids has been the agent to get me there, but for now I choose to be okay with it. I feel like Ellen again. And my family is happy to have her back.


3 comments:

Anne said...

I'm so glad to hear the 'roids are helping you have some semblance of a life again. I'm also a steroid resister but there are definitely times when they are a hell of lot better than the alternative. Good luck with Thanksgiving! Anne

nolaterps said...

I love you.

Ellen said...

Anne--Thanks and I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know I will happily welcome the stress and hard work this year!

Claire--I love you, too!