It bothers me that I am like this but I don't necessarily think it's a negative. I think I am someone who stands their ground but I still have a bit of indecisiveness in me. I care about what my friends and family think, even if I am not going to consider their suggestion. Now, in my defense, these decisions that I rebuke in such haste are usually trivial things like what I should eat for dinner or which pair of shoes I should wear. When it comes to bigger decisions, I do take my time and consider all options but I often know what needs to be done before it is done. It's almost like I am waiting for someone to come along with the perfect argument for why I should choose something else. I will be waiting forever if I believe that a perfect argument exists. No decision is perfect.
And I've realized recently, that the perfect argument I'm waiting for is someone to offer me a miracle drug, like Remicade, that will send my disease into a deep remission. There is no guarantee I will ever find something like this in my life. My problem is my hope. I can't give up hope of this miracle. I can't give up hope of having a normal body. And I can't give up the hopes of what I imagined my life to be at twenty five.
In the movie, The Shawshank Redemption, Andy tells Red that, "Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." I think about this quote over and over again and think that maybe hope can be destructive. It is true that hope never dies. I don't think anyone would choose having a permanent ostomy over functioning bowels, if given the chance. So my problem here is to hope for other things that will better my life. If I want to change my life and accomplish things as I say I do, then I need to hope for a successful surgery. I need to hope for a fast recovery. I need to hope for a smooth transition back into the real world. But why is this so hard?
As I eluded to earlier, I know in the back of my mind I have already made this decision. But I need to get to a place mentally where I can accept it. The only person that can help me get to that place is myself.
I always yell at people who have something wrong with them and don't go to the doctor. Like my mom who has a tooth ache and won't go to the dentist. Or when my dad has the flu and prefers to ride it out rather than take medicine. I always say, "It angers me that you won't fix something that is fixable. If I could go to the doctor tomorrow and be 'fixed' I would be there in a second." But if I look at my situation, I do have a solution. While slightly more serious and life changing than having root canal or popping antibiotics for a week, I have a solution that I can't accept. I hope that will change. I hope...