Hope and Other Ramblings

Why is it that on the verge of any decision, substantial or not, we ask the opinion of others? I believe that long before any decision is made, we have already made up our minds. Have you ever asked someone for their opinion regarding a decision to be made with two possible outcomes? Have you ever immediately decided to go with their opposite suggestion? Almost like they could have said ANYTHING and you wouldn't have considered it. I've done this before and I can't help but wonder, why?

It bothers me that I am like this but I don't necessarily think it's a negative. I think I am someone who stands their ground but I still have a bit of indecisiveness in me. I care about what my friends and family think, even if I am not going to consider their suggestion. Now, in my defense, these decisions that I rebuke in such haste are usually trivial things like what I should eat for dinner or which pair of shoes I should wear. When it comes to bigger decisions, I do take my time and consider all options but I often know what needs to be done before it is done. It's almost like I am waiting for someone to come along with the perfect argument for why I should choose something else. I will be waiting forever if I believe that a perfect argument exists. No decision is perfect.

And I've realized recently, that the perfect argument I'm waiting for is someone to offer me a miracle drug, like Remicade, that will send my disease into a deep remission. There is no guarantee I will ever find something like this in my life. My problem is my hope. I can't give up hope of this miracle. I can't give up hope of having a normal body. And I can't give up the hopes of what I imagined my life to be at twenty five.

In the movie, The Shawshank Redemption, Andy tells Red that, "Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies." I think about this quote over and over again and think that maybe hope can be destructive. It is true that hope never dies. I don't think anyone would choose having a permanent ostomy over functioning bowels, if given the chance. So my problem here is to hope for other things that will better my life. If I want to change my life and accomplish things as I say I do, then I need to hope for a successful surgery. I need to hope for a fast recovery. I need to hope for a smooth transition back into the real world. But why is this so hard?

As I eluded to earlier, I know in the back of my mind I have already made this decision. But I need to get to a place mentally where I can accept it. The only person that can help me get to that place is myself.

I always yell at people who have something wrong with them and don't go to the doctor. Like my mom who has a tooth ache and won't go to the dentist. Or when my dad has the flu and prefers to ride it out rather than take medicine. I always say, "It angers me that you won't fix something that is fixable. If I could go to the doctor tomorrow and be 'fixed' I would be there in a second." But if I look at my situation, I do have a solution. While slightly more serious and life changing than having root canal or popping antibiotics for a week, I have a solution that I can't accept. I hope that will change. I hope...


Chris said...

Hey, Ellen. Sorry to hear that things haven't improved much. Just thought I'd drop you a line. I was listening to Elliot in the Morning on DC101 today and this article was brought up: http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/baseball/yankees/2009/10/27/2009-10-27_desperate_phillies_fan_arrested_for_offering_sex_in_exchange_for_world_series_ti.html. Before the person's name was mentioned, I immediately thought of you. Take that as you will...

Anyway, hoping for the best for you and the Phillies.

Ellen said...

Jeeze Hui I don't know what to think. I'll take that as, "You're such a hardcore Phillies fan I know you'd do anything for tickets." And while that is true, I do have SOME standards.