I will admit I've been bitter this past week. I find that I resent anyone who has a functioning bowel and I am aware this sounds completely ridiculous. I have become annoyed and disgusted at people who complain about such insignificant things. I would give anything to be healthy. The last thing on my mind is anything material or even happiness. Because I know if I was just healthy, I could make everything else fall into place for myself.
I think about the fact that I have missed out on an entire year of my life, completely stuck inside while everyone else lives their lives and it infuriates me. It has been an unproductive year filled with days too sick to even dream about the future or pick up a book and read. It's actually surprising that I've only just become jaded now. I guess I didn't even have the time to think about it before. I find myself celebrating my friends' engagements, new houses, and new jobs but at the same time knowing that if it weren't for Crohn's, that could be me.
Sometimes I just want to give up and accept that I'll be laying in a bed for the rest of my life in my parents house. I can't even be honest with people anymore because I feel like no one understands what I am going through. And even when I am offered sympathy, it's never enough for me and it makes me uncomfortable. I want to have dreams and goals that involve more than the healthiness of my bowels. I should be dreaming about careers, relationships, and building a life for myself like other 25 year olds. Instead I lay in bed bargaining with a God I'm not so sure exists anymore.
I know in the near future, if I truly want my life back, I will have to accept another surgery to remove my large bowel and rectum. I guess mentally I can not fathom that this is the hand I've been dealt. After 8 years of this shit, I still don't believe it sometimes.
I am so afraid to have another surgery because I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with it. As long as my ileostomy is temporary, I can always cling on to the hope of having it reversed if we find a medicine that works for me. But if it's permanent, that's it. For the rest of my life I'll have a bag with no possibility of ever being normal again.
And this is my problem; that I still think I could be normal even though I have this horrible illness. I know I need to accept a new sense of normal for my life, one that will allow me to get back to being the person I was before. For someone who would hate to be normal in every other facet of life, I would give anything to have normal bowels. It sounds like a no brainer in theory to just have the damn surgery and get my life back. I just cannot fathom the finality of it all and I know I am not ready. But really, I don't imagine that I will ever be ready.