"Wisdom comes with winters"

Today I received a package in the mail from an organization I had previously begun to interview with.  I had to pull out of the process due to my health.  The letter inside indicated they were beginning to hire a new round of employees again and were still interested.  It got me thinking about things.

I think we are all wired to thrive off of familiarity, routine, and stability.  Sure, we all love a good adventure now and then.  I've lived in four different states (or districts) since high school. I'm always looking for my next idea that will scare the hell out of my parents.  But when bad things happen, I think the fact that our routine has been interrupted can be just as damaging as the crisis itself.  Whether its a break up, illness, or job loss-it sucks.  Why?  Cause the control is no longer ours.

I have had three years of remission where my health problems were minimal and I managed the disease quite well.  I dealt with it, was able to hide it, and appeared to be normal.  Heck, I even felt normal the majority of the time. 

In those other four years, I constantly worried and knew in the back of my head that at any second my life could be disrupted.  But it didn't discourage me.  As a college student, missing a semester or needing to take a final a week late wasn't a big deal.  But now, I'm overwhelmed with reality.  In real life, you can't take time off.  Am I supposed to remind myself not to become too content every time things are going well for a long period of time?  Or do I just live my life and worry about things as they happen?  Recently I've been overwhelmed with the former.  I miss the old days where I was young, unaffected, and believed nothing could stop me from my dreams, even Crohn's.

I love that I can share the power of such a wonderful thing as healing with all my friends and family.  When I was on Remicade I thanked God every day for giving me my life back.  I'm seeing small improvements in my life on Humira and I'm confident it will only continue to get better as I approach week 6 of treatment.  But I can't help but think about the overwhelming task of putting my life back together once the storm clears.  When I think about it I'm hit with feelings of resentment.  After all of these years, I still pathetically ask, "Why me?"

It's hard having your life interrupted.  It's hard to not be in control.  I have to think of the positive affect illness has had on my character, my connection to family, and my resilience.  Like the Oscar Wilde quote above reminds us, the bad in life teaches us something.  Winter seems awfully bleak in December when we head off to work in the dark and the sun is setting before we even get home.  But when summertime rolls around and it's time for us to enjoy the fruits of the season, we are stronger, braver, and wiser for what we have endured.


emily : : : said...

great post ellen. just what i needed to hear. thanks :)

Anonymous said...

Ellen, Why did you tell me you hated me the other day? Your color does look better and last week I clocked you in with spending 4 hrs and 35 minutes in the bathroom, down 20 minutes from the previous week. It appears you are seeing some results from your Humira. Anyway, great post from a mediocre sister.


Ellen said...

Thanks for the love, Liam. I'm glad you are tracking my visits to the toilet.